Well I would never have thought that I would be in the singles category at the blessed age of 57. You know what is really sad? I'm not the only one. Why is it that there are so many of us out there? Why can't there be unquestionable love for companionships amongst everyone instead of an exceptional few? Why does that love change after x-amount of years? Why does a man leave a wife after 27 years of marriage? Why does a man leave the same woman after 5 1/2 years of marriage? I am that woman and unfortunately the only thing I can say, is that I would have never divorced. This time the men I thought loved me, did not.
Emotionally, that is a very hard thing to accept and adjust to. I have had so much counseling, trying to find out the whys, when in reality, the reasons don't apply to me. The counselor has said it falls on the part of the other person because they are the ones with an issue of some sort. All I know is that I had so much love to give to these husbands that I don't understand why they made the choices they did being, not loving me. The first; found another and the second just couldn't love another. How is it I would choose badly? Of course I will not disregard what I have learned during these times, but I would just as soon settled for a man who would love so much that it would hurt him if I left, which by the way, I wouldn't. I am very committed to marriage, but I won't stay if that love does not exist and in both marriages, I could not stay. Of course the first didn't want me and though the second said he did, but it wasn't until after I left him.
In my first marriage there was so much love. I felt it and knew it. But for very sad reasons it wasn't enough because he sought others, just anyone but me. I don't know how many others during our course of marriage, but he settled for someone else at the end. The second marriage there was showing of some love, though words were not abundant. I thought it would be enough, but as time passed, that insecure type of love changed and it was bound on my contribution, my work, my energy towards him, with always a thought of someone else on his mind.
Being LDS, I am working more than ever on my Christ-like behaviors. I am choosing to follow more in His path that I ever thought I would have to work on. It should be a constant life style for me, but after these unfortunate experiences, I have come to realize that maybe I'm not doing as good of a job as I thought, because I should have seen and felt that I was in harms way. I read a great article ever. This article is found in the Ensign, Dec 1982, "The Way to Christlike Love". It is an article written by, Allen E. Bergin. He explains that by loving Christ, the love for his family is stronger. Quotes from the article, "No one can suffer as much as the Lord did, and no one can give us as much as he did. How then, can any man who believes in him fail to suffer and sacrifice the small amount required to bless those entrusted to him?" and "Where the priesthood is properly understood and honored and where its influence abounds, there will be no family quarrels, no disrupted homes, no deception, no infidelity, and no divorce. Rather there will be harmony and joy." A good article that brought much comfort knowing I didn't expect too much out of a husband. My other favorite article is the May Ensign, 2011, April Conference, talk by Elder Richard G. Scott, on Eternal Marriage. Another witness that I didn't expect too much out of a husband. I had so much love to offer and yet, it wasn't enough, at least for these two men.
Will I try again? Do I dare try again? Right now I've chosen not to worry about it. Finally I will accept whatever the Lord has in store for me, while I embrace my own talents and restore the woman that cries to get out of this sad shell she is locked in to. I know time is that main factor and I will enjoy what I can become and what I can do. In the meantime, I will mold into the best grandmother, mother, sister, aunt, and friend that I can possibly be. What does the future lie ahead for me? Do I have the courage to find out? I HOPE SO
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